The List
by ShadowRanger10
Summary: Summary: What happens when Commander Shepard finally snaps? Apparently the rest of the team follows suit. Collection set in ME 2, in the time after getting Legion but before the collectors attack the ship.
1. Jane Shepard

The List

Summary: What happens when Commander Shepard finally snaps? Set in ME 2 after getting Legion, before the collectors attack the ship.

A/N: Just a fun idea I had. Please read and review.

The crew of the SR-2 Normandy was staring dumbfounded at the door to the captain's quarters. A sign had been put up, one that read:

"WARNING: Your dear_ Commander_ Jane Shepardwould like you all to know that the following roles and responsibilities do not fit into her job description:

- Therapy, as you may have noticed we have a councilor on this ship yet somehow all of you insist on turning to me with your problems.

- Confessions, I am neither your mother nor am I your own personal sounding board. Please keep that weight on your back instead of dumping it on mine.

-Biographer, while I am sure that your life story is very interesting, I really don't need to know the details on how you are a miracle of genetic engineering.

- Errand Girl, I am the Captain of this ship not the butler you've always wanted. If you need something, get it yourself.

-Technical Support, the Normandy needs better armor? You want a bigger gun? Your omni-tool doesn't work? And for some reason I'm the one who has the ability to fix all that? The engineers are downstairs, get up and talk to them about it.

-Parrot, "Are you sure you want to let out that extremely dangerous, strong and possibly unhinged krogan?" Yes. "Are you sure it's a good idea to reactivate that geth? It could wreak havoc on the ship's systems you know." Yes, yes I am sure. I'm a hero remember? Stop second guessing my every decision.

- Advice Columnist: The words "What should I do Shepard?" should only be uttered on the battlefield. Otherwise please remember that I spent two years dead. I am not the best qualified to give advice.

- Peer Mediator: If I am called upon one more time to break up a fight because "She won't admit that my being treated like a lab rat was wrong!" or "He was about to send out information that would plunge my people into war!" the involved parties will be tossed, quite unceremoniously, out the airlock.

- Missions not involving the impending doom of galactic civilization: I'm sorry your father has poisoned his crew and ruled over them with an army of mechs; I am sorry that you are about to be exiled as a traitor from the only home you've ever known; I really am but I'm just a little busy saving the world right now to help you.

-Tourist: Yes, Illium is a wonderfully corrupt city, yes Omega is a vile hellhole, but do I really need to know that the horizon looks great? Or that poverty is sad? Two things: I can tell that for myself thanks and seriously? People are being abducted by mad, insect-like aliens and you want to stop and enjoy the view? _Really_?

Thank you for taking the time out of your ever-so busy lives to read this, I am sure it required a great deal of sacrifice on your part, I am sure Garrus already misses his calibrations and Samara probably needs to return to her incredibly creepy meditation. That is all."

The sudden outburst of chatter from outside her door told Shepard that they had probably read her note. She smiled, that was some much needed stress relief, maybe her message even got through. Oh well, now it was back to destroying reapers and hunting down Collectors…


	2. Tali'Zorah

The List

A/N: Decided to make a list for each character when I realized there was still some fun to be had here. Please read and review.

Shepard's list had started a trend among her team. Apparently their fearless leader continued to inspire them in more ways than they imagined possible, as evidenced by the note that appeared on the engine room door not long after the original:

"The following roles and responsibilities do not fall into Tali'Zorah vas Normandy's area of expertise:

- Pharmacy, we quarians might have a weak immune system but no, we do not carry the entire stock of a drug store. If you need medication, try Doctor Chakwas. I swear, if one more person asks me if the Flotilla is the galaxy's biggest drug cartel…

- Toymaker, does a suicide mission sound like the appropriate time for me to take my focus off keeping the ship that stands between life and death for us running to make toys for your children? P.S That includes you Thane, besides Kolyat is too old for that now!

- Thief, there is a professional on the ship, ask her about your credit chits, _boshtet_! Ugh! You humans are all racist!

- Tailor, while I do have experience in suit repairs for obvious reasons, I do not have the slightest obligation to work on yours.

- Closet, no you cannot store your junk in my suit. If it wasn't clear to you in the first place, there is a person in here. This is not a recorded message!

- Deaf, I really can hear you in here! When you call me a "bucket-head" while I'm three paces away, I will know. And you will pay. _Dearly_.

- Convenient hiding place, I don't mean to burst your bubble but you can't share my suit. One, because I wouldn't allow it; two, because it's impossible and three, do you all think this suit moves on its own? And Garrus, I don't care if Jack is trying to flatten you into a tin can, you can't "hide in there with me"!

- Personal mechanic, the only engines I am interested in are the Normandy's. I will not take a look at your shuttles, rovers or whatever a "car" is supposed to be. And Jacob, I would not be interested in helping to recreate the Mako, the original was bad enough.

Failure to comprehend any of these guidelines will result in Chikktika being sent after you. Suffer the wrath of my attack drone at your own risk."

No one had any difficulty understanding Tali's message. She was in such a good mood since posting that list she actually started humming while working. The tune sounded suspiciously like the opening theme to _Fleet and Flotilla_…


	3. Garrus Vakarian

The List

After the appearance of Tali's note, more had come to be expected. And so, it was no surprise when another one appeared at the door to the ship's batteries. It read as follows:

"Garrus "Archangel" Vakarian, former C-Sec officer and vigilante, would _very kindly_ advise against placing the burden of the roles and responsibilities below on his shoulders:

- Assassin: Thane's retired. I don't want to take his place. Just because I've killed before doesn't mean I'd like to help you get rid of your nosy next door neighbor back on Earth.

- Bodyguard: I can't "keep an eye out" for you while you take a stroll through Omega. The fact that you think of "strolling" as something you can do on Omega means that you deserve the beating that's coming to you. Aren't you all trained soldiers anyway?

- Red Sand Dealer: I don't know where you've been getting your information but I did not work with drug dealers. I killed them. Careful now…

- Babysitter: While I am somewhat surprised that some of you feel you can trust a man who should in legal terms be the most notorious mass murderer in the galaxy with your children…I have some calibrations to get to…Maybe ask that Mary Popkins lady Shepard was talking about? The one with the umbrella, and the spoonful of sugar?

- Home Defense Weapons Salesman: You're afraid of burglars attacking your wife and children? At a time when a species of crazed, dangerous, space bugs is on the attack? Should that really be your biggest concern? Well, anyway, I don't have those kinds of weapons.

- Weapon's Practice Target: If a turian's plates made him bulletproof, how is it that your species managed to survive the First Contact War? Rust?

- Policeman: Perhaps after stopping the 50000 year old wave of death otherwise known as the "Reapers" I can take a look at finding that missing person of yours. If I end up back at C-Sec that is…You do realize that I'm not an officer anymore right?

- Storyteller: If you want to know about my adventures with Shepard, ask her yourself, I don't suggest this however, if you value any of your limbs anyway…

- Bartender: I resent the accusation that I hide in this room to drink, ask away, you're not going to find my stash in a million years.

- Mr. 24-Hour Calibrations: This is insulting! Without my calibrations our cannons wouldn't be able to put so much as a dent in a Collector ship! It's of the utmost importance! Besides, I stop sometimes…to eat…sleep…annoy Tali…report to the Commander…in her quarters…every once in a while…

Disregard this list at your own peril. I have a sniper rifle, and I sure as hell know how to use it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some calibrations to get back to. Don't interrupt me."

No one dared do so much as talk to Garrus after reading that list. Except Shepard, who seemed to be going down there more often lately…


	4. Doctor Chakwas

The List

A/N: As it turns out, I decided that the rest of the crew might have a few things to say as well. Thanks for all the support, as usual please read, review and most of all enjoy.

The crew was getting paranoid. Lists started popping up everywhere. It was a storm of repressed emotion bursting out in an instant. Shepard had created a monster. As if to prove the point, a new list appeared on the med bay door:

"For health purposes, Doctor Chakwas _insists_ that it would be wise to avoid pinning the following roles and responsibilities on her person:

-Bartender: If you want alcohol get your own. If you need it for medicinal purposes, I will determine that. If you need it to "forget" I have two options for you:

a. Repeatedly hit your head against the wall and hope for amnesia.

b. Talk to Kelly about your feelings.

I recommend option a, it would be less painful for all of us.

- Mad Scientist: I am not sure how this rumor started but if you would prefer to keep those bullets in your shoulder, please do continue to scream every time you see a scalpel. Just ask yourself this: Do I really act like Professor Solus?

- Never-ending Drug Supply: Please keep in mind that I know your medical history. "It's for medicinal purposes!" will not work on me. Nor will begging, bribes or blackmail. Perhaps you should try that on Dr. Chloe Michel on the Citadel?

- Clown: Your entertainment while receiving treatment in the med bay is not my responsibility; this is not a comedy club. I would also remind you that I am the person who dispenses your painkillers, it would be…foolish to cross me.

- Miracle Worker: I am incapable of performing cosmetic surgery on a fully-suited quarian , making a krogan "slim", dyeing a turian's plates bubblegum pink, making the drell "memory thing" less creepy or giving a human scales. There seems to be a number of cruel but imaginative pranksters on the Normandy…

- Tolerant: I should hope that when I ask if you've taken a shot, I mean a needle. Nothing that involves beverages or guns of any kind. Keep up those comments and you'll find out what a shot in a horridly rude awakening.

- Patient: You may have heard that doctors tend to get annoyed when you come back with the same ailment constantly? Would you mind even _trying _to dodge a bullet? Miranda? Jack? Perhaps dressing more like people entering a warzone is in order? A scrap of armor is never a bad thing and neither is a scrap of modesty.

- Personal Chef: I regret to inform you that I do not believe in the "amazing medicinal properties" of chicken soup. And I sincerely doubt that ice cream will do much more than add a headache and maybe a few cavities to your list of troubles.

- Senile: My memory, hearing and mind are as sharp as they have ever been. The next time you start talking to me as though you were speaking to a child in a voice that could raise the dead, remember that you might require medical help one day. And that day may come sooner than you think.

- Secretary: The next time you want to discuss something with Legion, go right ahead. I am not his keeper, nor am I his personal timetable. Besides, I do believe his royal gethness is free.

I may not have a gun, but I find a scalpel and syringe can be very convincing tools indeed. As such, please keep this list in mind; it's for your own good."

The med bay had been blessedly quiet since that note went up. Quiet and empty and just beautiful, Chakwas thought as she opened up a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy, courtesy of Commander Shepard. Yes, it was simply exquisite.


	5. Samara

The List

An asari Justicar was not someone you wanted to cross, unless you were tired of living of course. The crew of the Normandy was wise enough to know that escaping the Collector's base alive would be meaningless if they were killed by one of the galaxy's scariest asari. As such, the list that went up on the door to the observation deck was not ignored by the optimists on the ship, including its Commander:

"The roles and responsibilities listed here are not part of the Asari Justicar Code. The Code grants permission to kill all those who do not comply:

-Santa Claus: Yes, I wear red, I like the color red. Yes, I am older than most of your race, and yes, I have been to Earth. No, I do not have elves, reindeer, a sled or a base of operations in the North Pole. I am also not male, fat or married. I suggest you stop this line of questioning before you find something worse than coal in your stockings next December.

- Evil Incarnate: Just because I am not a paragon does not mean I am the devil. Nor am I a demon, whatever the drell call their most unpleasant deity or an elcor. For the record, elcor are not that evil. Though the Code may require me to hunt down the actors in Franciss Kit's production of Hamlet for crimes against all the galactic races…14 hours of pure torture should not go unpunished.

- Executioner-for-hire: Justicars follow the Code, not your whims. Would you ask a Spectre to kill the thief who stole your pillow? Ask Shepard to do that and see what happens, I guarantee it will not be pleasant. For the time being, let me remind you that I swore to your commander that I would refrain from killing her crew.

- Token Asari: Your commander recruited me because she thought I would be an asset to your team, not because she needed an asari to round out her "collection". Do remember that my oath to Shepard ends with this mission, you will not be safe thereafter.

-Storyteller: While I have lived a long and interesting life, compared to a human's anyway, I do not feel inclined to share my adventures with any stranger who asks. And as for you Garrus, I refuse to reinact my duel with Nihlu with you, your time would be better spent on your calibrations. Now leave me to my meditation.

- Yoga Instructor: This is to every fool who has come to inquire on how to do "that white eyed meditation thing". This is only possible for high-level biotics, even among asari. It cannot be taught because you have "learned some yoga poses back on Earth".

- Anti-theft Device: The next person to ask if I could put up a biotic barrier around their belongings will be so horribly deformed they would never be able to recognize themselves in the mirror.

I have consented not to take the life of a crew member for the duration of this mission, maiming, however, is still a possibility."

Samara ended up spending three days in the med-bay, unconscious, since the rest of the crew was too terrified to interrupt her meditations for meals.


End file.
